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June 7, 2018
Al Donner
“Cops, Cons, and Grace: A Father’s Journey Through His Son’s Suicide.” By Brian Cahill. Resource Publications (Eugene, Oregon, 2018). 196 pp., $23.
On Dec. 1, 2008, Brian Cahill was honored by 500 people at a dinner. He had just retired as head of San Francisco Catholic Charities, culminating 40 years of generous charity service. Surrounding him was his family, including son John Cahill, a San Jose police officer.
On Dec. 4, 2008, Cahill responded to a knock at the door. A police officer stood there to tell Brian that his son John had just ended his own life.
The devastation of that life-shattering loss is Cahill’s personal story in “Cops, Cons, and Grace: A Father’s Journey Through His Son’s Suicide.”
The 162-page book peels back John’s struggles before the end of his life and Brian’s subsequent struggles to deal with the death. The book is an immensely personal account of the father’s and son’s lives before and after the suicide. The account shows the depths of their mutual love and friendship. It is rich in fondly yet sadly recollected companionship details from John’s childhood through adulthood. – days spent backpacking or fishing, days and evenings at home just enjoying being together, son and father.
Cahill’s account is both sobering and hopeful. Walking with him on his journey as told in his account could be useful for any person who has suffered the unexpected loss of a loved one, and who at first struggles to understand and then to cope with that loss.
Cahill’s own professional career was devoted to helping people in need, and also as a volunteer, including counseling felons in San Quentin State Prison.
After John dies Cahill struggles to understand, then search for peace and meaning in his son’s sudden death. On that journey he finds some resolution through his Catholic faith, his wife Donna, other family members, counselors and law enforcement friends.
In his journey Cahill gains understanding of how John’s inability to restore an orderly life after the breakup of his marriage and those impacts on John’s daughters, were central to his decision to end his own life.
Perhaps most startling are times when Cahill recounts hearing the unmistakable voice of his deceased son. In the four months after John’s death Cahill describes hearing the familiar voice of his son talking directly to him, crisp and clear, offering guidance and reassurance.
In one instance Cahill visits the remote forest site of John’s death. He writes: “After about 10 minutes I hear, ‘Dad, I’m okay.’ I answer, ‘I’m not always okay.” I hear, ‘You will be.’ ”
Another unanticipated strength Cahill receives comes from some inmates in San Quentin where he has been a volunteer counselor and part of a faith-sharing group with prisoners. Some have little hope of ever leaving prison yet have grown in their faith and come to accept their own situations in life.
Sometime after John’s death, Cahill resumes prison visits. Several inmates reach out to him with genuine support and love, a response that helps him grow in understanding and continue the recovery of his own life.
Cahill’s account raises a specific alert to people who work in law enforcement. It is a career field with a very high suicide rate; in 2017 some 140 U.S. police officers died in suicide.
Cahill explores the factors that contribute to that high suicide rate, where warning signs may not be noticed. Police work requires firm control in difficult and dangerous situations. But an officer’s loss of control in their personal life can hit them as an unmanageable disaster.
Cahill wants readers to understand suicide, especially those of police officers, and of suicide’s enduring ramifications for those left behind. He now volunteers in police counseling, hoping to help both the public safety community and society in general to recognize when an officer might consider suicide as a way out of troubled personal situations.
Brian Cahill was a leader in charity works through his 40-year career, including eight as head of Catholic Charities for the Archdiocese of San Francisco. He remains active in a variety of helping activities, especially with cops and cons.
As an account of faith and family, of helping when and where needed, Cahill’s book may be a useful resource for people who have suffered the unexpected and unexplainable death of a person close to them, regardless of the circumstances.
Al Donner, a Canisius College alum, is a retired journalist who covered California and national politics and currently writes for the California Catholic Conference and The Catholic Voice (Diocese of Oakland), frequently on the value of life.